Dealing With Our Loss

As I sit here today trying to put into words what we've been through over the last few days, I find it's easier to sit and stare at a blank screen.  I know I need to write/talk about it, but it's so hard to put what I feel into words. I know many people are wondering what happened so I guess the best way to start is with the facts.

We found out we were expecting in January and were extremely excited.  The timing couldn't have been better.  We went to the doctor and everything looked great except my progesterone levels were really low which concerned the doctor.  She immediately started me on 200 mg of Promethium ( a progesterone replacement) and told me to take that until I was 12 weeks along.  We had a sonogram and the baby was healthy and had a good, steady heartbeat. She scheduled another sonogram appointment to check on the baby 2 weeks from then.

We finally decided to tell everyone about the baby when I was 10 weeks along.  I started to show really quickly with this pregnancy, and it was becoming difficult to fit into my clothes.  We figured people would start figuring out what was going on soon if we didn't say something so we decided to tell the girls first.  They were so excited.  Presley kept screaming over and over again, "I'm going to be a big sister!"  Both girls have been asking me to have a baby for MONTHS now, and we just kept telling them that God would give us a baby when He was ready. 

The day after announcing our pregnancy, I started spotting.  I immediately knew something was wrong, but when I called the Dr.'s office, they told me not to worry because spotting with mild cramping was a common side effect of the Promethium.  The spotting eventually went away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and went on about the day.  By that evening, the spotting was back and heavier (though only occurring when I used the restroom), and I was starting to cramp.  I spent the rest of the night in bed.  I called the clinic again and spoke with an after-hours nurse who advised me to go to the hospital.  Wayne and I talked about it and decided that since I had an appointment already scheduled on Friday that we'd just try to wait it out and see our own Dr.  I am so glad we made this decision now, but at 3:00 am on Friday morning when the cramping was becoming quite painful, I wasn't so sure it was a good idea!

On Friday morning, we arrived at the clinic as soon as they opened.  I explained what was going on to the nurse, and they took us back for a sonogram.  I had prepared myself for the worst beforehand, but seeing the look on the sonogram tech's face and the fact that she didn't say a word to us confirmed my worst fears.  As we were leaving the room, I glanced over at my file and the pictures the tech had just taken and saw that my baby was still there (and had grown) so my only thought was that the baby's heart must not have been beating.  As Wayne and I sat waiting for the Dr., we discussed this and surprisingly, neither of us were emotional but rather matter-of-fact about the fact that the baby was dead.

When the Dr. came in, she confirmed that the baby's heart was no longer beating and that the sac around the baby had started to collapse.  She recommended we have a D&C and asked us if we had any questions.  Looking back now, I think we must have been in a state of shock at that moment, even though both of us were prepared and even expected this outcome, because we kind of just drifted down the hallway to another office as they scheduled the procedure.  We left the clinic and drove over to the hospital, parked, and just sat there in the parking lot.  I think it was this moment that the realization of what we were about to do hit us, and I just completely lost it.  I remember apologizing to Wayne for throwing a pity party for myself and trying to get myself together before we left the car.  I asked Wayne to call our parents because I knew I couldn't.  I am so glad that he was able to be strong for us because we would never have made it otherwise.  He called everyone while we stood in the parking lot, and when he began to cry, I lost it again. 

Every step we took toward that hospital was a fight especially when I really just wanted to run as far away from there as I could.  Keeping my emotions in check was a struggle all in itself.  Luckily, they took us quickly back to a room.  I had some amazing nurses who were sympathetic and caring.  They rushed us through all the blood work, and within an hour or so I was in holding for surgery.  It seemed like every single person who came to speak to me (nurses, anesthesiologist, etc.) would ask me if I knew why I was there and what procedure I was having done, and I remember thinking if one more person asks me that question I will come unglued.  It was all I could do to keep myself from sobbing as it was.  When they wheeled me into surgery and were preparing me for anesthesia, I remember thinking, Thank God, please just knock me out so I don't have to think or feel anymore.  Before I fell asleep, the sweetest nurse leaned close to my ear and said, "We are so sorry for your loss.  We will take good care of you, and this will all be over soon." Tears began to fall at that moment because all I could think was if only it were that easy-this will never be over for me. I must have fallen asleep at that moment because the next thing I remember is waking up in recovery.

When I woke up, I immediately noticed the pain was gone, and I felt a tremendous relief.  I didn't dwell on the sadness of our situation, I just wanted to go home.  We had the best care at the hospital and the nurses were amazing, caring, and sympathetic.  I never expected to be there all day lol, and I can honestly say by 5:00 pm the only thing on my mind was getting out of there and getting home.  The calls, texts, and emails I received while I was waiting to be discharged were very appreciated.  Thank you to all who showed us your love and support during such a difficult time.

The car ride home was emotional for us as well because we now had to decide how best to tell our little girls about the baby.  I think having to tell them hurt me more than the actual loss of the baby because I knew how badly they wanted this baby, and I knew it would be a huge disappointment for them.  We were able to make it through telling them, and we spent the remainder of the night cuddling with our girls and just spending time together as a family.  Wayne and I were so thankful to be able to come home to our girls.  Just knowing God has blessed us with two children already was a comfort.  I don't know how we would have handled this if we would have had to come home to an empty house. 

We know God has a purpose and plan for our lives, we know He had a reason for this, and while we don't understand it, we know everything will be alright.  With that said, we do want to thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  They are definitely needed and felt.  We're all doing fine and taking one day at a time.  We love you all.

Wayne, Jessica, Makenzie, and Presley